TW: idk yet

I have a problem with cutting myself. I lie to my mom that im sober, I lied to my coach that I was in recovery, and my dad doesnt even know about it at all which is the worst part because he hates secrets. I dont even do it because im sad or angry I do it because im a disgusting pervert who likes blood and feeling pain and I lied to my mom about why I do it because obviously im not gonna tell her that im a sadomasochist. Staying sober is hard because the smallest things set off an alarm in my head that I should cut again. Ive gotten better at controling my urges whenever that happens and finding out what my triggers are has also helped but at the same time knowing those triggers makes me want to set the alarm off on purpose idk why that happens like I want to stay sober but my brain and body say no. Besides maybe 4 people, no one else knows that I cut. I havent gotten comfortable enough to tell my friends and family and the family that does know I didnt even tell them they just found out by accident, the only person I told was my coach and explaining everything to her felt like hell on earth for those 5 minutes we spent talking. I started cutting around 8th grade, I used a knife and didnt even break skin because I was scared to add more pressure on the blade. Then over the summer I started using an eyebrow razor and thats what made me bleed for the first time (im sorry that that sounds corny but thats the best way I could put it)