TW: disgusting perverted thoughts, grooming
I like men older than me like about 20-50 years older. Everytime I have an adult male figure in my life (FAMILY NOT INCLUDED) or I see an older guy in public all I can think about is how much I want them to fuck me, I want to "submit" to them so bad it frustrates me because of how strong the urge gets. The first instance of this I can remember was when I was on a vacation with my family, there was a huge public pool with 3 hot tubs and I decided to go to one of the hot tubs by myself. An older guy with a grey prickly beard, sunglasses, and a beer came into the hot tub I was in even though there was an empty one across from us. I was very uncomfortable because he sat pretty close to me and kept trying to make small talk even though I made it clear I didn't want to so I texted my sister to make up an excuse to get but she didn't want to so eventually I built up the courage and left. When I got back to the condo I told my family what happened, dried off, then layed down in bed replaying what happened and the more I thought about it the more I wished something would've happened despite me being so worried in the moment it occured. It was this incident that flipped a switch in my head unfortunately and I can't help but enjoy the thoughts I have. I know its wrong for me to think this way but my brain just doesnt care and its weird cause since im conscious it feels like I should be in control of my thoughts but im not. A (kinda) long time ago I met a guy online and I fell head over heels for him. He talked to me like no one had before and it felt good to be complimented all the time then eventually I was dumb enough to send him explict photos and videos of myself which only added more fuel to the fire because I was obsessed with how he was feeding my ego. What made me leave my preternatural relationship was when he sent me a photo of his dick and I instantly lost all intrest thankfully. After a while of not constantly talking to him it gave me time to reflect on said relationship