TW: disgusting perverted thoughts 
I like men older than me like about 20-50 years older. Everytime I have an adult male figure in my life (FAMILY NOT INCLUDED) or I see an older guy in public all I can think about is how much I want them to fuck me, I want to "submit" to them so bad it frustrates and embarrasses me because of how strong my feeling get. The first instance of this I can remember was when I was on a vacation with my family, there was a huge public pool with 3 hot tubs and I decided to go to one of the hot tubs by myself. An older guy with a grey prickly beard, sunglasses, and a beer came into the hot tub I was in even though there was an empty one across from us. I was very uncomfortable because he sat pretty close to me and kept trying to make small talk even though I made it clear I didn't want to so I texted my sister to make up an excuse to get but she didn't want to so eventually I built up the courage and left. When I got back to the condo I told my family what happened, dried off, then layed down in bed replaying what happened and the more I thought about it the more I wished something would've happened despite me being so worried in the moment it occured. I think it was this incident that flipped a switch in my head unfortunately and I can't help but enjoy the thoughts I have. I know its wrong for me to think this way but my brain just doesnt care and its weird cause since im conscious it feels like I should be in control of my thoughts but im not. A (kinda) long time ago I met a guy online and I fell head over heels for him. He talked to me like no one had before and it felt good to be complimented all the time then eventually I was dumb enough to send him explict photos and videos of myself which only added more fuel to the fire because I was obsessed with how he was feeding my ego. What made me leave my preternatural relationship was when he sent me a photo of his face and dick and I lost all intrest. After a while of not constantly talking to him it gave me time to reflect on said relationship and I didnt even know what to think because am I really a victim if I consented to everything? I wasnt forced to take pictures and videos of myself I did it because I liked the attention plus I only stopped when I found out he was ugly sure in the eyes of the law I would be but im definitely not. Another another time I (kinda) had trouble with an older man is when I went to a Cannibal Corpse/ Meshuggah concert. My dad went outside on the venues balcony so I was alone inside and I managed to make my way to the barrier and by the time Meshuggah was playing this guy just came out of no where and put his hands on my shoulders. The guy reassured me that his hands where "right here" and that he just wanted to protect me. As the concert continued his hands went from my shoulders to my waist and then when I had to leave he asked me where I was going and that was it. I don't know what too feel about this either like whenever I think about it I feel nothing all I can think is "am I supposed to be upset rn?".